Total Pageviews


Tour de Paris Adventure

RIDERS: GingerClip and the rest of the Gay By Association Crew

DISTANCE: 25 miles

Captain's Log, Star Date 07-15-2006. hmmmm. wait a minute. Capt Bob the Captain, so this must not be the Captain's Log, but what is it then? If he's the Captain, that makes Baad Kitty the First Mate. And Penutty is the baby of the family, so she must be the Cabin Boy, but what am I?'s The Log.

This was my first Tour de Paris and it was a wild ride! I sat bolt upright in the marginally comfortable bed in the very smoky room at the Comfort Inn at 6:45 am. That was a full 10 minutes before the alarm went off, and let me tell you I do not usually wake up that early voluntarily! CRISIS!!!!! I realized that I forgot to pack my sports bra, and that could be a dangerous thing. I could give myself a concussion from a smack in the head with a boob if I hit a pothole! So I shuffled a bewildered Marc out the door and into WalMart. Now I would never voluntarily buy clothing at WalMart, especially underwear, but as The Gay noticed, this is not the first time that he and I have been in an out-of-town WalMart shopping for underwear for me. The Gay has suffered much in the name of our friendship, but at least he isn't usually forced to see my boobs like he is our other friends'. (Laurie! Melissa!) But The Gay wasn't the only one subjected to the spectacle of my boobs that morning. Every one in the WalMart parking lot was treated to a free peek while I changed. What a great start to the day...and it gets better...

Marc and I head over to the school parking lot, say hello the Lesbians that we are riding with and gear up. I pull away and head towards the starting line when I hear a "Hold on a second" from behind. So I tapped my brake to slow down a little. Mistake. CRASH!!!! My road bike is only one month old, so I just took it in to have everything tightened up that might have stretched out in the first month of use. This included the brakes, on which I also had the reach adjusted. So silly GingerClip meant to tap the brakes, but instead I sent my bike to an immediate halt and myself sliding across the parking lot pavement. All the bikers around made a mental note to avoid me at all costs during the ride. At this time I would like to say thank you to the wonderful organizers of the Tour de Paris for including in my goody bad a little first aid kit. Unfortunately, I was sweating so much that the band aid fell off the bloody hamburger mess that used to be my left knee and I had little bloody rivers of sweat dripping down my knee for the entire ride.

The ride was good. We had a mass start which I don't think I like as well as a staggered start b/c we were stuck in agroup of slow people for longer than I would have liked and that's saying something b/c I am no speed demon. We finally passed the slow heard and started racing towards the front of the group in search of the rest of our group, which I have dubbed Gay By Association, since I am the only straight person and I think everyone will assume I am gay since I am hanging out with The Gay and the lesbians. Despite our best efforts we didn't have any luck catching them. At the 10 mile rest stop we found out why - they were behind us trying to catch up! There was a guy playing the banjo at the rest stop so I, of course, loved it.

After we pulled out and were headed down the road I spotted a little black kitten that couldn't have been more than 4 months old hiding in the weeds on the side of the road. ATTACK!!!! As each rider passed him, he would jump out and attack their rear tire, and then race back into the weeks to stalk the next rider coming down the road. I wish I could have taken a picture of that, b/c it was hysterical. Another rest stop, this time with Boy Scouts playing horseshoes. But their moms were very enthusiastic, they had tons of food, and cold Gatorade. BRAIN FREEZE!!!! I drank 1½ bottles of Gatorade while we were still there b/c I was so friggin' hot already. Stupid Texas weather.

Okay, back on the road, and I feel what I think is a leaf hit my helmet. I reach up to pull it out of one my vents, b/c it felt like it was stuck there, but I couldn't feel anything. But as my hand covered the vent that felt like it had the leaf in it, I feel a buzzing. FREAK OUT!!!! I swear there was the hugest bug ever stuck in my helmet! Now, in my mind it had to be a big bee that was going to sting me if I didn't get it out immediately. I pulled my bike over and frantically began trying to undue the buckle on my chinstrap, which of course meant that it took twice as long as normal. Now, I didn't get a look at whatever it was the flew out of my helmet after I removed it, b/c it took a sharp left, but out of my peripheral vision it looked like a pterodactyl with a stinger. Honest to God.

Okay, today I battled WalMart, the pavement, a kitten, and a mutant insect, but I had one battle left - the Texas heat. By the time that we pulled into the finish line at 10am it was 101 outside. I think I must have sweated outabout 15 pounds of water. But that's okay b/c I quicky replenished it with a couple of beers with the Gay ByAssociation crew. So by my count, that’s Team Potter 4, Tour de Paris 1 (clearly the pavement won that fight).


No comments: